Rare Victory
by Wickedfetch
Summary: Following the events in Shellshock the crew take on a simple delivery job, but when are things ever simple in this 'verse?
1. Intro

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Firefly, or the Firefly IP/universe/characters. While the words are mine they are based in an IP I do not own. I do not make money from this, it's all in good fun.

Author's note: This is a (very) belated continuation from my previous stories (Upheave, Shellshock). It is fully written aside from a bit of editing, so I will be posting weekly updates. Hope you enjoy! (and review)

* * *

Staedler watched in horror. The numbers were irrefutable. Everything gone, in an instant. The business, the trust fund, the house, the cabin, the yacht, everything. And that still wouldn't be enough to pay the hungry creditors that would descend in droves. He kept expecting his screen to refresh, or to wake up and find it was all just a terrible dream, but though he waited for seeming hours nothing changed. The screen blinked at him an angry red and all he could do was blink back. He had worked his entire life to build his fortune, his empire, and now it was all gone in the blink of an eye.

He could see the Magnate's face at the party last night. The malevolent gaze smug with victory, at the time he had thought it was due to his bungling yet another polite conversation, he had yet to fully grasp the finesse of core language even after twenty years of moving in the top levels of Persephone's society, but now he knew. The man had won a great victory, stealing his company out from underneath him by flooding the stock market with low prices for the shares he had owned. The Magnate had always looked down his nose at Staedler, mocked his poor upbringing, and done his best to takeover his company.

Staedler punched the screen. He imagined it would have been a much more satisfying fit of rage back when they were still hardware, but all it did was bathe his hand in red. Bellowing his anger to the quiet room he stood up, tipping his chair over and began to pace. There had to be a way to get it back, get it all back. His mind fumbled and flitted from one idea to the next, never coming up the victor. Except.

He could win another way. There were secrets the Magnate thought well hidden from his enemies. Secrets Staedler had paid a fortune to acquire, secrets that could bring the man down. Not in society, not financially, but personally. The Magnate had a wife and two sons that had no clue about his nefarious activity behind closed doors. Thinking it through he came up with a plan, it would take time, and a certain amount of patience, but all he had left in the world was time, and he hadn't built this life by being hasty.

He wasn't a man to lay down and give up in despair. The Magnate. The bastard would pay.


	2. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Thanks for reviews. You didn't leave one last time? Well now's your chance. ;) Enjoy!

* * *

She walked very slowly. Carefully placing each segment of her toes as she went. Feeling the ship beneath her feet. Cold. But warm. Not as cold as outside. Not as cold as the parquet flooring at home. Not as cold as the white tiles at the place. Warm from the engine. Dirty. Grime built up over years, grime that made it a ship, not a yacht or a liner, but a ship. A proper ship. One that did work.

She trailed her hand along the railing as she went, an affectionate caress for the mother of her reborn soul. The cargo bay was packed full of crates. Work. Guts for scavengers to steal. Wooden crates, but not. Not wooden. Splinters? No, cracks? No…?

She kept walking, letting the feel of the ship under her feet sooth her. The suits locked in their locker, locked. Locked inside. She stared at them for a moment her face reflecting back in the helmet, she was inside them, but not. She wasn't there, she was here. But was she really anywhere? Were they?

Turning a slow circle she headed back inside the passenger dorms, tip toeing past Inara's door. Pause. Her own room, empty, but still her room. She was there but not there. She continued up the stairs, steep, sturdy, serviceable. Like that submarine they'd visited one summer, a relic from a long lost past. The stars. To see the stars. She'd wanted to go to the planetarium, Simon had wanted to see the museum. In the end they'd gone to the museum. Old nonsense, just like the stars. Old.

She looked up, the stars. They were there. Her eyes went wide.

* * *

Mal, as was his habit late at night, entered the galley. If anyone asked he was just going to get a midnight snack, not avoiding-he stopped. River was there, her head craned far back gazing up through the windows of the galley, looking at the stars.

"Bit late for stargazin' ain't it?"

River looked at him with that thousand yard stare, as though she were focusing very hard, yet not at all. When she spoke her voice sounded bored, as though she were explaining the basics of 2 plus 2 equals 4, "it's always late, light traveling billions of lightyears."

Mal tried not to sigh, or roll his eyes. River was a fine pilot, and though he wasn't too bad himself,sittin' in the cockpit at all hours with too much time to think on too many things, well, it was just better to have River in flyin' shape.

"Yer brother know you ain'tsleepin?" He asked. She turned to face him, her eyes focusing as she began speaking softly, "Soul stealers. Lots of little souls." As she spoke her voice became stronger, "Boxes. Bells 'round their necks." Now tears fell from her eyes. "Cattle. Chattel. No sky. No remembering." Then she began to yell, "Getting very very crowded. _Tian-ling-ling, di-ling-ling_!"

Before he realized she was done with her tirade she began sinking to the floor. Feeling that strange itchy feeling he always felt when River knew more than she should he yelled for Simon.

Watching her trace nonsensical patterns into the grimy floor he waited for Simon. He sincerely hoped what she said meant nothin', but it never did, it never had, likely never would. One word in particular was makin' his neck hairs stand on end. Boxes. She couldn't possibly mean-

"What happened?" Simon demanded, sinking to the ground in a rush next to his sister, not even sparing a glance for Mal. "She started spoutin' nonsense, then just lay down." He answered.

Instantly River sat up and insisted, "Not nonsense." Only to have her eyes unfocus and her words begin stringin' oddly on, "sensible, sensitive, sensitize, sensation..."

"Right…not nonsense." Mal muttered. Simon spared a moment to glare at him for his comment before beginning his symptomatic diagnosis, "River? River, what happened?" He asked. Her eyes gazing wildly around the room she began to speak, "Crowded. Dark. No light. We're not alone."

Simon looked up at him, disturbed by the last comment. Knowin' what the boy was rememberin', and feelin' more than a little disturbed his ownself he started toward the cockpit and said, "Jus' roll 'er over, make sure there ain'tnuthin' there."

* * *

As Mal's footsteps faded, Simon kneeled next to River. "_Mei-mei_, can you stand? We need to run some tests-" She interrupted him wildly, "No. No needles! Needless, endless, faceless..." Simon wanted to sigh at her response. He knew she wanted to wean herself off of medication, but if tonight was any indication, it was likely better to keep her at stable, albeit low, level of meds.

Helping her to her feet, he felt her shudder, then she turned to him, her eyes suddenly focused and calm, and spoke, "there are people in boxes." He nodded, shushing and soothing her as they made their way down to the infirmary. As they walked past the stacks of boxes in the cargo bay he couldn't help but give them a second glance.

"What kind of people River?" He asked as they wound their way through."Not people, chattel." She responded forcefully.

"In the boxes?" He asked, but she didn't answer, gazing at one of the boxes she murmured almost as if to herself, "Quiet. So quiet. Silence."

Thinking that since the boxes were obviously bothering her, he tried to guide her to the infirmary but she resisted, her low murmur becoming a nearly hysterical wail. "Packaged for delivery. They say don't shoot the messenger but they do, and I don't want to, I don't want to-don't make me Simon, don't make me!"

Holding her close and stroking her hair he spoke to her, "Shh, shhh, it's okay River, it's okay. I won't. I won't make you. Okay?" And gently he led her away from the boxes into the infirmary. She refused to sit in the chair, and was making a face as he opened the cabinet to get her medicine. Simon held the vial in his hand, ready to prepare the syringe when Mal entered.

"She goin' wooly again?" He asked, and Simon didn't miss the note of annoyance. Pausing for a moment he stared at the vial, it was nearly full. It had been weeks since River had been incomprehensible, and in fact, from what he could glean from Mal and Inara's conversations in those weeks, it wasn't because she wasn't medicated, it was because they didn't understand her. Resisting his natural impulse to cure River he placed the vial back on the shelf and turned to Mal.

"What's in those boxes? " He shrugged, "Ain't my business to know."

Simon nodded, it was easier to not know what they were smuggling, if they knew they were smuggling drops would it really make their job any easier? Did they ever really want to know what they were a part of in order to survive on the raggedy edge? Although, "they do look like the right size to be statis boxes," he thought out loud.

Mal interrupted his thoughts, clearly annoyed "You an expert on all things illegal now?" Simon ignored him, looking at River, he continued "Remember the box I brought River to Serenity in? Maybe those are-"

"I remember that box, had all kinds of fancy whatsits all over it-you see those boxes in the cargo bay? They're jus' boxes, regular wood boxes-" Mal interrupted. A scream pierced through their building argument, turning wildly Simon realized River must have snuck out while he and Mal were having their little disagreement. He turned and ran toward the cargo bay, looking for her, Mal at his heels grumbling,"would you shut her up!"

River was on her knees, screaming wildly, as she clawed at one of the boxes with her bare hands. Simon reached her and firmly pulled her back. Her assault had splintered the wood, and her hands were a bloody mess. Loaded with splinters and missing a few nails, she had obviously felt so driven to get inside the box she didn't care if she injured herself in the process. As he started to, once again, lead her to the infirmary he heard a loud thunk behind him.

Mal had jimmied off the side River had attacked, and once it fell it revealed a statis box. He and Simon stared at it for a moment, then at River.

"Huh." Said Mal.

* * *

Zoe hadn't been this tired since the summer campaign on Three Hills. Apparently a fetus the size of a mung bean was more exhausting than weeks of running guerilla strikes on Alliance forces and then beating a hasty retreat back to the hills and caves, only to do it all again the next day after a long march to get the jump on the enemy. At least she was clean. There might be only one shower on Serenity, but it was a helluva lot better than the grit that had gotten everywhere. She was surprised the Alliance hadn't smelled them coming.

There was an upside to the constant fatigue, once her head hit the pillow she was guaranteed to fall asleep, which was a blessed relief from the worry, the nausea, and the grief. She had spent the past weeks, no nearly months now, in a dream like fugue. The days strung together so she could hardly tell the difference between them, and since Mal had mostly relieved her of duty she wafted slowly around the ship much like River used to. Thinkin' on it was no use, the hormones her body had strung her brain out on interfered with any useful conclusion making, she usually just ended up a sobbing mess, unable to stop crying, and unable to recall why she'd started in the first place.

So, if she hadna been woken up by the nightmare, the new one, the one that had replaced her old wartime nightmares with a special new horror all its own, she probably wouldn't have come runnin' down the catwalks a step behind Jayne. River was sitting off to the side rocking herself back and forth, her hands covered in blood. Zoe's eyes roamed the cargo bay, looking for the imminent threat that had so clearly wounded the poor girl, only to fall on Mal and Simon staring at a box. Mal was focused, concerned, but there was no need for violence.

Kaylee's voice came up concernedly behind her "River? You okay sweetie?" She gently maneuvered herself around Zoe and hurried to the girl, wrapping her arms around her and joining her rocking, slowing it down to a comforting pace. River relaxed into, and seemed to come back to herself. Inara stood frozen in the doorway to the passenger dorms. Her face hardly moved, it was like looking in the mirror, all their horrors plain for the other to see in the frozen muscles of their faces. Zoe turned hastily away, and moved closer to Mal to inspect whatever it was that had captured his attention so completely.

"There a reason crazy scared us all outta bed?" Jayne's voice rolled out beside her. Man was right, he'd never make a diplomat, but there was a reason the merc had lived so long, he was keen when it came to self , of course, took immediate umbruge to the rough man's tone, "You remembered grenades, but not pants?"

Zoe, finally turned to look at the big man properly. Simon was right. Jayne had grabbed Vera, an assortment of knives, two pistols, and several grenades. And that was just what she could see. Jayne glared at Simon and retorted, "Least I brought somethin' what's yer excuse fer not havin' a shirt?"

Zoe tried not to laugh. She wasn't sure if it was relief that there wasn't anything actually attacking anybody, or somethin' else. Mal however, didn't seem inclined to acknowledge anything, at least outside of the box he was staring at. Maneuvering to stand just behind his right shoulder she looked at the box as well. She caught just a glimpse of it, and began to ask him what was going on when Mal rounded, nearly blundering into her, and abruptly ordered everyone back to bed rather bluntly, "Everyone back to yer bunks."

The crew stared at him for a moment before they immediately began questioning the order.

"Don't' you think we should-" Simon asked.

"What about River?" from Kaylee

"What's goin' on? I was havin' a good dream." Jayne, of course.

"Mal?" Inara's voice was tremulous, and Mal looked at her, compassion in his gaze, but he plowed on regardless, "You all gone deaf? River had a spell, ain't no need fer us all to be losin' sleep over it."

Simon immediately began to argue, "But she might be right about-" but Mal quickly interrupted him, "Don' matter if she's right or not." The doctor looked at Mal half in shock, half in disbelief. Mal continued, his voice echoing menacingly around the cargo bay somewhat, "Don't see what so all fired interistin' about a crazy girl havin' a crazy spell. See to yer sister. The rest of ya-I don' wanna be seein' you 'til mornin'._Dohn ma_?"

Jayne shrugged his shoulders and headed back to bed, while Kaylee, talking softly to River, led her to the passenger dorms, Simon glared once more at Mal and followed them. Zoe, noticing Inara creeping gracefully closer to Mal busied herself looking at the very interesting box. She did her best not to overhear their conversation as she studied the wood that had clearly been ripped off by River's bloodied hands. Girl probably had a dozen splinters.

"Mal? Is everything alright?" Inara asked, her voice sounded wobbly, so different from the cultured, confident tones she used to employ with considerable skill. Mal replied more to the walls than to her, "When is it ever?" A heavy silence fell over the pair of them, and Zoe continued her study of the box. It was odd, a second more high tech box was encased within the wooden one. It was all quite strange, in fact it looked something like the box Simon had brought River inside when he first came to Serenity.

Mal's voice broke through her thoughts. "Go on now, get some rest, can' have yawearin' yerself out." His voice was strangely intimate, it was the sort of tone Wash had used with her when they were alone. He'd obviously forgotten they weren't. Feeling awkward she withdrew, using every bit of her stealth training.

"Goes for you too Zoe." He called out after her retreating back, she turned to see him looking smug. Man always wore that face when he caught her 'walkin' soft', but there was something else as well, along with the usual careworn look he seemed extra burdened. As weary as those days in Serenity Valley, and so despite her heavy misgivings about the cargo boxes she merely nodded and continued to her bunk leaving Mal alone in the cargo bay staring at the box.

* * *

Chinese Translations

_Tian-ling-ling, di-ling-ling _: abracadabra, abrakazam

_Mei-mei_ : little sister

_Dohn ma_ : understand


	3. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Nice long chapter for you guys, about twice as long as all the rest of them. I tried to split it, but I really do think it works best all together.

Thanks for the reviews, enjoy!

* * *

Simon was examining his options. There weren't that many. He rubbed his forehead, he'd never felt this concerned over a patient when he'd been working on Osiris. To be sure he took consummate care of each and every one of his patients, but he'd had nearly unlimited resources, cutting edge technology, and an extensive support staff. He'd always cared about his patients, gotten to know them and their families, less toward the end, but though Mal often felt his bedside manner was somewhat lacking, he had in fact been well known for it. Patients were always grateful they'd been taken to Capitol General in an emergency since that meant they not only got one of the more talented doctors working in the core, but also one of the most compassionate.

Right now he felt that was more of a liability than an asset. If he were lacking compassion he'd still be working in that hospital and have no fear about delivering a woman safely, but out here... There were exactly three options. Option one, travel to the core and have Zoe admitted into general maternity care under a cadre of well trained midwives. Which would be all well and good if she were just some no name woman on a no name freighter, but considering her time spent with the Dust Devils, and his own questionable fugitive status it was extremely likely that instead of being properly attended to she'd deliver handcuffed to the bed and never see her baby again. So option one was out.

Option two, travel to a Rim or Border hospital instead. Only problem was that based on the research he'd been feverishly doing he'd practically be signing her death certificate by doing so. The hospitals were notoriously understaffed and underequipped, and that was the best of them. At their worst the hospitals were little more than living morgues, people went in to die, not to get better. He could of course thoroughly check out each hospital and find the best one, but they still had the same problem as option one, the perpetual fear that either he or she would be recognized and arrested.

So that left option three, the absolutely least attractive option of the three, to have Zoe give birth aboard Serenity. The idea sent shivers down his back. To be sure Petaline's labor at The Heart of Gold had gone smoothly, but if it hadn't things could have quickly turned irreversibly mortal. He shook himself, this birth wouldn't be in the middle of a shoot out (he hoped) on a dusty planet with limited resources. He could turn the infirmary on Serenity into a proper delivery room, it would just take some equipping. And with some more training he could be prepared to handle any emergency, and he could train up at least Inara and perhaps Kaylee or River as well into maternity nurses.

He sighed, there was a lot of work to do; he'd need to acquire some more blood units, a doppler, an incubator, and all manner of emergency equipment designed for a baby. He knew most labors went well, but there was always risk, and he would do his best to minimize it. Next he'd need to do a lot of training, mostly nursing training, but also brushing up on more difficult obstetric skills. And of course he'd have to run all the changes by Mal which would be like pulling teeth from an angry grizzly bear.

Just then Kaylee entered the infirmary, wrapping her arms around his middle, and asking him what he was doing. Hastily Simon closed the screen, hoping she hadn't seen.

"Nothing." He replied, more than a little flustered, he'd thought Kaylee was busy working on the engine.

"Don' look like nothin', looked important." She said, her eyes narrowing slightly, annoyed that he wouldn't tell her what he was up to. Usually when he researched things to help River he talked to her about them.

"It's not, just some research I was doing." He hedged, barely glancing at Kaylee, clearly eager to change the conversation.

"Did you manage to fix the problem with the nav sat?" He tried, Kaylee loved talking about Serenity as much as he did about medicine. She shrugged, "easy fix that, what were ya researchin'?"

She was impossible; they did usually talk about all things medical, but this was Zoe's secret, not his, "I can't tell you."

"I thought you said tellin' me 'bout therapies helped you, what was it? Crystalize your thoughts?" Her tone sounded nearly mocking, and Simon immediately bristled. He was tired, after River's episode he hadn't gotten much sleep, and so instead of actively making sure he didn't put his foot in his mouth he just spoke, "not for this."

Kaylee glared at him, and when she spoke her voice shook, "oh fine, so I'm good fer sexin' but not much else." Completely exasperated with her, with everything, he replied coldly, "that's not what I said."

"Then what 'xactly you tryin' to say here?" She heatedly shot back at him. He tried to explain, completely fed up with her questioning, "I can't tell you, but-"

"Fine. Don' tell little ole me. I'm jus' sexin' ya, no need fer talkin' is that it?" She interrupted, nearly shouting in his face. He sighed, "Kaylee, don't be ridiculous."

"You've gotta be kiddin' me. I'm ridiculous now huh? Hope ya enjoy yer researchin'" And with that she flounced out of the infirmary. Simon glared at her as she left. Who the hell did she think she was to ask him to break doctor patient privilege? They were lovers true, but they weren't married, and even if they were he'd taken an oath. An oath he wasn't about to break. He was a doctor for Buddha's sake. He wasn't going to throw that away, not even to make her happy.

* * *

Asshole. She'd gone to find him 'cause she'd finished fixin' the navsat early and thought they could enjoy some alone together. He needed it, he was tense as a coiled spring after last night, but no. Instead she was met with that...asshole.

Fuming she stomped toward the shower, might as well wash the grease off herself without her idiot boyfriend, was that what he was?, to help. Made it much less fun. And why couldn't he talk to her? Didn' he like talkin' to her? Had he been lyin' all those times he'd said she'd helped him with her ignorant questions?

Gorramit, he had been, and she, the fool she was, believed she was helpin', when all she was really doin' was annoyin' the hell out of him. He'd made _that _perfectly clear. Wanting to cry in peace, she banged on the shower door, not caring who was inside.

Jayne poked his head out. "It's my turn, can't ya read the damn schedule?" Feeling more than a little defensive about her intelligence she attacked, "Yer turn to jerk off you mean."

"What's it to ya? Did ya wanna join in?" He leered at her, giving her the once over."Oh shut up you y_i dwei da buen chuo roh_." She said. Jayne glared at her, "watch yer mouth. 'Sides you ain't one to talk."

"I'm the ship's mechanic, you, yer jus' muscle. Big stupid muscle." She said meanly. "So are you, at least to him anyway. Why else would he be with rim trash like you?" Jayne shot back.

"I ain't trash!" She shrieked, "yer the trash!" Jayne glared at her for a moment, then slammed the door in her face. She started to scream and bang on the door, when Mal rounded the corner.

"Kaywinnet Lee Frye!" She turned to glare at him."What in the hell are you doin'? Sound could raise the dead, 'side's it's his turn, you ain't scheduled fer six more hours." She knew he was right, but she didn't care. She was madder than a spitting cat and didn't care 'bout nothin' right now.

"What am I doing? I'm tryin' to take a shower. Got grease up to my elbows from fixin' the navsat you broke." She said aggressively."I did not-" Mal said, bringing his hands up, ready to defend himself from the very angry Kaylee before him.

"You bought the one I told you not to buy, 'an then it broke. You broke it" He did too, never mind that they'd had to buy the Gurtsler so's they could eat. She saw his face darken, and instead of stopping she pushed. She wanted him to yell. She wanted them all to yell. She couldn't stop herself.

"You don' care 'bout none of us, or Serenity. We're jus' here so's you can boss us about an' get us shot at and killed." His eyes widened, but instead of yelling back at her, he spoke gently to her,"you know that ain't true Kaylee."

In disgust she spat on the floor next to him, so she couldn't take a shower, but she could go yell at the sound proofed walls in shuttle two, and spinning on her heel left him standing next to the shower.

* * *

"Simple Simon says Simon says" River babbled merrily as she sat on the bench in the infirmary, swinging her legs like a young child in for a check up.

"I'm not the only one saying it River." Simon replied dryly. He was still feeling upset about his argument with Kaylee, and Mal did have a point about her behavior last night.

"Believes what he sees. Seeing is believing. Believing is seeing. Backwards upside down." River replied, playing with words in that way people with schizophrenia often did, just like last night. It made him want to shudder, schizophrenia was still as yet incurable, and River hated the way medication made her feel. But he was more concerned about what he had diagnosed as a dissociative disorder paired with some PTSD.

"It's a respected peer reviewed journal, if you'd just give it a try I think it would help." He wheedled, annoyed that she didn't even want to give it a try when the trials he had read about had been so promising. River thought for a moment, and then wailed, "you think just because you pay them you own them? Servants are people too!"

At this outburst he rolled his eyes, this obviously wasn't the time to be having a discussion about possible therapy options for the PTSD with her. And as much as he knew flying the ship helped calm her emotions and make her speech sensible it didn't seem to be working at the moment, and he really, really, really did not want to end up dead in space because he hadn't grounded his baby sister. It had to be done. "Fine. But I'm grounding you until we figure out a way to-"

River screeched in interruption screwing her face up in anger and shouting, "You're not my daddy!" Then she jumped off the counter and ran out of the room, for all the world looking and sounding like a normal petulant eighteen year old girl, angry at her father for grounding her from her friends, and not at all like a competent pilot angry with her doctor for clipping her wings.

"River, _mei mei_, come back!" He called after her, falling easily into the role of her elder brother instead of her doctor once more. Then winced as his eyes fell on a rather angry Mal. "What in the hell was all that shouting?" He demanded.

"Sorry Captain, I was just-" Mal just plowed on, ignoring Simon. The man was apparently in a high dudgeon after last night's episode.

"And who gave you leave to ground my pilot?" Mal continued, as if he hadn't heard Simon's reply. But Simon wasn't one to back down, so even though it was clear Mal was ranting and not questioning him, he replied in an acerbic tone, "I don't think she's in a fit state to fly-"

"Based on what?" Mal practically sneered back at him. Simon felt himself bristle, his worry over River, annoyance at her behavior, lack of sleep, and fight with Kaylee all making it impossible not to condescendingly answer the Captain with as much cheek as possible.

"Oh I don't know, based on the fact that she's wailing about nonsense like organ donors, not marking the cattle where they fell, and papua brain stew. That's why." He rattled off with an arrogance learned during his residency at Capitol City.

"Fine." Mal grunted, his eyes narrowed in rage.

"Fine?" Simon needled him, wanting nothing more than to pass his anger on to someone else at that moment, and Mal was nothing if not a rage sink.

"Fine!" Mal yelled, then whipping around, stomped out of the infirmary leaving behind an extremely disgruntled Simon.

What a stupid pointless waste of time that had all been. Trying to calm himself after the screaming match he'd had with Kaylee he'd turned to something about River he thought he might actually be able to fix, only to have it blow up in his face. And then arguing with Mal on top of everything, when he really needed to talk to the man about the equipment he needed for Zoe. He really didn't want Mal ready to space him before he even opened his mouth right now. Not with Zoe pregnant, nor Inara exhibiting symptoms that made him worry, and definitely not with River's apparent slide back into insanity.

As he left the infirmary to wander the ship, his haven of peace disturbed, he saw the boxes. The damnable boxes; feeling a curious tug in his gut that for once had nothing to do with his nearly healed gunshot wound, he walked over to them. What on earth was inside?

* * *

Zoe hated being pregnant. This body was not her body. Her body never let her down, not even during the war had it betrayed her the way it was now. The ever present nausea, the incredible fatigue from doing little to no physical work, the strange tenderness in her breasts and abdomen. It was disconcerting, and certainly not magical. No, this pregnancy was nothing like the ones she'd read about on the cortex during her years of research.

The moment she had met Wash she'd known it was time to start a family, and so while she waited for him to come around to the idea she read everything about pregnancy and babies she could get her hands on. And all of that information hadn't warned her about the malaise she now felt. Each morning when she opened her eyes she wanted to moan. She felt bone weary, and a wave of nausea would wash over her, followed by a wave of grief as she dry heaved into the toilet.

It was like having the flu. Except that it had already lasted 8 gorram weeks. The time she'd been laid up in hospital due to a battle wound which had gotten infected came close to how she felt. She was constantly worried that something was wrong; her body was sending her all these signals that she was sick and needed urgent medical care to prevent sepsis, yet she knew everything was fine. It was disconcerting to have such a disconnect between her mind and body. Never in her life had she felt so distant from her ownself, always her mind and body worked in perfect harmony.

It was strange. She'd expected pregnancy to bring her mind and body closer, it was after all the fruition of years of dreaming, and yet she was disconnected. It was especially upsetting since she should be feeling joyful. Wash was dead, and there was no way to bring him back, but this baby would be a part of him come to life. She knew intellectually there was joy in that; she just couldn't feel it.

Whenever she thought her grief was abating a new wave would crash over her and she'd feel the same breathless shock when she'd realized Wash was dead. It seemed to be ever before her eyes. That and the burden Mal seemed to be carrying. She knew it was mostly hers, yet she could do nothing to bear it on her own, and so, when she wasn't crushed with grief, she was crushed with guilt.

Guilt that he was doing each and every job on his own, with only Jayne and occasionally River as back up. But there was nothing she could do about it. Mal would never put her on active duty while she was carrying, and she would never ask him to. This baby was too precious to lose. She could leave...

The thought pulled at her night and day. She was a burden to Mal, a heavy weight to carry and only growing heavier. Each time he looked at her she could see his own guilt and grief war across his face. It was especially painful as just so recently he had been full of that incredibly vibrant righteous fire that was uniquely his, to watch it die down bit by bit as she grew more and more pregnant was just too awful to watch.

She heard Jayne's boots stomp by followed, by the sound of him and, was that Inara?, arguing in the galley. She knew she should do something about it, it was one of her first mate duties after all, but she just...couldn't. Instead she lay there and listened, feeling the tension rolling off them in waves, magnifying her own frustrations and grief.

Then Mal's quickstep rang out on the gangway followed by silence._ Go se_. He was in a rage. Yet she still couldn't get out of bed. She couldn't face the waves of nausea that crushed everything out of her. The empty cockpit and that gorram empty chair in the galley. She couldn't face Mal's face; the grief and guilt warring across it whenever he looked her way. The sad empty shell that was Inara after her world had been broken. River's glassy stares. Jayne's belligerence. And Simon and Kaylee's young, tempestuous, love. Not today.

* * *

After Kaylee had interrupted his shower in a most unsatisfyin' way Jayne headed for the galley. His knives needed sharpenin', an' his belly needed fillin'. The protein packets that passed for food onboard Serenity tasted like glue, but they stuck to a man's ribs like it too. He sighed, what he wouldn't give for a nice, rare, bloody steak. He hadn't one since the Shepherd had been on board.

They'd dropped off those cows, Shepherd had gotten shot, and when they'd gone back to rescue sissy and crazy Mal'd bribed him with fresh meat from one of the cows to join he and Zoe in bein' big damn heroes. Once the Doc and his sister was back on board they'd headed to where they'd left the cows, an' seein' as how there weren't no one to miss 'em, butchered one.

It hadn't lasted long, the bribe was for Jayne, but eatin' steak while the rest the crew choked down protein an' glared at him wasn't near as enjoyable as havin' one of them nice sit down dinners. Day the Shepherd was allowed to sit up an' eat solid food they'd made an occasion of it. Most the crew helped cook the steaks, an' while there was jus' rice an' some canned beans to go along with it, he'd felt like a king eatin' that giant slab of meat.

The faint smile on his face as he remembered happier times disappeared with the sharp whistle from Inara's tea kettle. He'd never liked tea, so much to do over a rather pointless drink; didn' even keep a man awake and sharp like coffee. Inara stood over her teapot fussin', and he couldn't help but be annoyed. Yet another female gettin' in the way of satisfyin' his urges.

And this one was a helluva lot more annoyin' than Kaylee, exceptin' the shower incident they usually got on real well. But Inara, whenever she looked at him her nose turned up the slightest bit, like he was dog poop that needed to be scraped off her shoe. It irritated him to no end, especially since he'd saved her ass.

It had been Mal's idea sure, but he'd risked his neck too. And for what? They weren't even friends; he wasn't even sure she was part of the crew. An' what exactly had he gotten for all his trouble, for the bullets wingin' past, the ship breakin' up underneath him, the shuttle crashin' and the set back on his shoulder healin'? Nothin'.

Not even a thank you. He glared at her, shoving past her to rummage in the cupboards for a protein packet.

"Gorrammit!" He exclaimed in frustration. They only had chicken left, an' while protein all came from the same place, the beef flavorin' made it slightly more eatable. "Language, Jayne." Inara admonished absently, her back to him as she poured her tea.

"Like I care how's I talk to a _jian huo_." He spat out Inara turned to face him, her face hard, her tone a gentle education minded one as she spoke, "a Companion is not a-"

Jayne sneered back at her as he spoke, "that's right, you civilized folks've got a different name fer it. Must of slipped my mind."

"How dare you-" She started the say, eyes flashing, but he cut her off again "How dare _you_. Just take it fer granted, riskin' our necks to pull yer's outta the fire. Feedin' ya fer free. This ain't a _yee yan_. I'm here to make money."

But of course, nothing could really rattle that one, she pulled herself up even straighter and gave him her best dog poop glare as she spoke. "I didn't ask you to come and rescue me. And I've paid my fare just like any passenger, which does not include listening to insults in the galley when I make my tea."

Jayne's eyes narrowed and he flexed his hands convulsively, wantin' nothing more than to strangle the bitch, when Mal walked into the galley.

"Jayne. Galley's fer eatin', not insultin' crew members." He ordered, obviously having overheard their exchange. "Crew? She ain't crew captain. She's jus' some doxy you almost got us both killed for." Jayne spat out. Mal narrowed his gaze, but before he could yell Jayne waved his hand. "I'm goin', I'm goin." and stormed off to his bunk.

Mal's eyes fixed on Inara, and for some reason she couldn't meet his gaze. He opened his mouth to apologize, but she beat him to it.

"Thank you for the rescue. Both times." She said sincerely, but to the tea cup on the counter. He wanted to stay and talk with her, he really did. But all day he'd been putting out fires, and flyin' the ship; which he really needed to get back to. He'd left his girl unhelmed to rescue-who exactly was Inara to him?

Jayne was right, he had almost gotten them both killed, and leavin' the ship unattended to protect her from a insultin' merc was downright foolish. What a _shua gua_ he'd been, so instead of sittin' down an' talkin' he just nodded and said "yer welcome" tersely as he walked back to fly his ship.

* * *

The man was infuriating. Well, both men were. What on earth had possessed Jayne this afternoon? He'd never talked to her like that before, he'd leered at her and made crude jokes, but never insulted her to her face like that.

And then Mal's rescue, which she didn't need. She was perfectly capable of defending herself against insults, but to have him walk off like that, maddening. They hadn't really spoken to each other since he'd pulled her of the yacht, an uneasy silence stretching between them for the past month.

He would look at her, and she would drop her gaze, and so he kept back whatever it was he wanted to say to her. She knew he'd wanted to speak to her before she'd left for the training house, she had practically felt him buzzing with anxiety as she'd disembarked, but now, now that she was actually ready to talk to him, now he kept his mouth firmly shut.

They'd had half conversations, but no fights, no questions, just two people talking obliquely when found alone in the same room together. Dinners had become rather stilted affairs. Zoe was quiet, and picked at her food. Jayne was as garrulous as ever, Simon and Kaylee were unaware of the rest of the crew, River would speak brightly, and sometimes sensibly, and Mal would answer her back, but he and Inara rarely spoke. Inara usually ended up eating her food and watching everyone avoid looking at Wash's empty chair.

It was entirely different than how it had been, before she'd disembarked they'd had scintillating conversation over dinner, peppered with comments from the others, but mostly it had been the two of them talking, just talking. She missed it, damn the man. He rescued her, and then treated her like breakable fairy glass. Maddening.

Especially, because just like the lovesick debutants she'd so despised, she was searching the ship for him. As she approached the sitting area near the infirmary she noticed Zoe sitting in one of the chairs. If anyone would know where Mal was, Zoe would.

"Have you seen Mal?" She asked, not noticing the bite of jealousy in her tone. "Why?" Zoe asked, her observant eyes trained on Inara.

"No reason." Inara hedged, Zoe's eyes narrowed and she replied with a light bite of her own, "believe he's busy with Captainy duties."

"But where is he busy with them?" Inara pressed. "Don' matter none, if he wants to be found he will be." Zoe answered, her voice firm. Sinking into the chair next to her Inara sighed petulantly, "lately he never seems to want to be found."

"Neither have you." Zoe replied matter of factly.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Inara responded, annoyed. Zoe's voice stayed firm and steady as she replied, "I think you do."

"It's none of your business." Inara said, flouncing out of the chair and turning her back on the other woman. Zoe continued, her voice stronger now, "I'm first mate, an' his best friend. I'd say that makes it my business. You ain't never had responsibility in your life Inara."

Bristling at her belittling accusation Inara shot back, "I was a high ranking member of house Madrassa, not to mention a teacher at the training academy."

"That ain't responsibility. Weren't no one gonna die if you made the wrong choice." Zoe replied, her voice still practically inflectionless. "I don't understand." Inara responded politely, though she desperately wanted to sneer and say "so what?"

"You spin him about, make him doubt hisself, an' none of us can afford it. Not even you, an' he knows it. That's why he won't be found. Least not 'til you find yerself. An' I don' think yer there yet." Zoe said, not unkindly.

"What do you know about it?" Replied Inara defensively, this conversation was going to places she really did _not _want to go. "More than you do." Zoe said her voice mixed with grief and pity in the most infuriating condescension Inara had ever been subjected to.

Rallying she attacked, "So is that why you won't talk about Wash, because you understand everything? Is that why you and Mal never actually have conversations. Is that why when the Alliance beat you down into the dust you became a devil?"

Just as she was getting going on her tirade she noticed Zoe's eyes flick to the left, turning she saw Mal, who glared at her. His eyes were fierce, not tempered by the affection that she usually saw there.

"Just what in the hell are you playin' at woman?" He practically roared, and for a moment Inara thought he was yelling at Zoe, rescuing her once again, until he continued.

"She don' talk 'bout Wash 'cause she's sparin' me. Sparin' River. Keepin' it all to herself sos' the rest of us stay up. She an' I talk plenty. Just 'cause you ain't there fer a conversation don' mean it don' happen. You ain't the be all end all of people on this boat, an' I won't have you insultin' members of my crew. Do I make myself clear?" He thundered.

Quaking she nodded her head, and he spun on his heel and left after giving Zoe a long probing look. As she was about to gracefully withdraw to her room Zoe spoke, her voice kind, "I miss Wash, but I ain't lost. You are. You can't figure things out until you ain't lost no more."

And with that she smiled the small secret smile that so often played across Kaylee's features these days. Reeling, Inara left her presence, practically fleeing into the privacy of her own room to cry.

* * *

It was wrong all wrong. The boxes. The people. The stinking piles of meat, no not stinking, fresh. She smiled. Jayne wasn't stinking. Not today. He'd had his shower. She didn't know what Kaylee was trying to say. They were all stupid.

And Serenity wasn't happy. Mal wasn't a pilot, she couldn't dance. Ballet. Plie. Barre. Tendu. Retire.

The boxes pulled at her, the residue of something, someone was everywhere and nowhere. She looked at her hands, weaves covering her fingers. When had that happened? Splinters. Splintered. Fractured. Fractals.

Wooden, but not wooden. Kinder surprise! Kinder. Chocolate covered toy capsule. Toy capsule. Chocolate! Been so long...Capsule. Fresh. Meat. Kinder. The splintered strands pulled at her. the boxes. Serenity.

Captain's voice. Call to dinner. Eating. Yes. Time to eat. No! Not that! I don't want to eat _that_!

Chocolate covered capsules. No. Chocolate covered strawberries? No. Chocolate covered grasshoppers? Eww. Not chocolate. Meat. Been so long...Have to keep it fresh, mark them where they fall so you don't have to eat _that_.

Still riddling she danced her way to dinner. Degage. Frappe. Battement.

* * *

Chinese Translations:

_Yi dwei da buen chuo roh: _Big stupid pile of stinking meat

_mei mei_: little sister

_Go se_ : shit

_jian huo_: cheap floozy

_yee yan_: charity show

_shua gua_: fool


	4. Chapter 3

Author's Note: thanks for your reviews, enjoy!

* * *

Mal watched as his crew trooped in for dinner. He'd never seen such a pack of quarrelsome dogs in his life, and that was sayin' somethin'. The crew he'd flown with after the war, when he was scrapin' together the coin for his own ship, had been prone to some truly awful tantrums. 'Course, they'd never known each other well enough to hit below the belt like his crew.

Simon had obviously managed to insult Kaylee, again, Jayne had practically called Inara a whore, and Kaylee had implied Jayne was expendable muscle. Each of them was hurtin', but he had no idea what in the good gorram hell he was supposed to do 'bout it.

People weren't exactly his forte, which was why he depended so much on Zoe, and lately Inara. Those two could read people in seconds. Zoe always seemed to know a double-cross afore it came, and Inara usually knew the exact right words to soothe a body.

But even they were out of sorts. They all were, it was like River's crazy spell had infected everyone. Speakin' of crazy, River; who normally picked at her food, playin' with it, requirin' admonishments from Simon, Inara, himself, Kaylee, and sometimes even Jayne or Zoe to actually eat any, was delvin' in with what almost seemed like gusto.

"Know where it came from" She said matter of factly, lookin' right at him in that creepy way she had. Jayne snorted. "An where's that?"

"Lab. Good lab grown food." She said, quite clearly, with a nearly beautific smile on her face. "Like hell, it tastes like shit." Jayne groused.

"Jayne" Simon sighed.

"Well it does! You've complained 'bout it often enough." Jayne had a point. It did taste like shit. The only thing that tasted worse was army food, when they had it, and when they didn'...Mal shuddered as he remembered small pops and three guys missin' their heads.

"Simon complains 'bout everythin' on Serenity." Kaylee said, not really to anyone, Simon stiffened in response, but didn't say anything. _Go se_. The only thing worse than seein' the two of them kissin' all over his boat, and sexin' too, was the fightin'. When the two of them got goin' Mal really wished he'd stuck to his no romances aboard rule. It was a good rule. Prevented lover's quarrels ruinin' his dinners. Not to mention muckin' about with his engine. When Kaylee was out of sorts so was Serenity.

Luckily, it wouldn't be polite for Simon to argue with her in front of everyone else. For once Mal was grateful for the boy's core upbringin'.

"_Mei mei_," Inara started to speak gently, but at Kaylee's glower subsided. Zoe took a bite of her meal, choked on it, and spat it back out, her face pale and miserable. She looked up at him for a moment, then retreated hastily back into herself.

Damn. Inara _was _right. She wasn't flyin' true, an' he really did need to have a conversation with her. Let her know he was here for her, that nothin' was too bothersome.

The crew subsided in silence, not the silence of a well enjoyed meal, but the silence of seven people bitin' their tongues and shovelin' food in their mouths to get it over with. Except suddenly River started to rave.

"Plenty of money. Best Conestoga's. Better than the other's, took their own way. Carved a path in the mountains. Snow. Early." She shuddered, ignoring everyone's eyes on her, and continued. "Courage is in the heart. Eat the heart and it's yours. Worship the jaguar." This time she wailed before she continued.

"Revenge! Insult! Destroy!" She screamed, punctuating each word with a vicious stab of her fork into her food. "Lamia! Lamia! The children, not the children! Snakes, snakes-everywhere!" She wailed as she fled the room. Simon immediately rose out of his chair to follow, with the rest of the crew straggling at varying distances behind him.

Mal sat for a moment, once upon a time Serenity had been a peaceful boat. They got shot at, and had little tiff's but mostly he, Wash, Kaylee, Zoe and Jayne got on real well. Then Inara'd come and disturbed the peace, and then the fugies arrived, drivin' it away completely.

Trailing behind the rest of the crew he noticed Simon fiddling with the statis box, Zoe and Jayne hung back unsure of what to do, and Inara and Kaylee were holding River, stroking her hair and whispering in her ears.

"What in tarnation do you think yer doin'?" Mal yelled as he rushed over to Simon. For all the boy knew the statis boxes were filled with explosives, or noxious gases, or infectious germs. The man Mal had contracted with to move the boxes had sent uncomfortable shivers down his spine, and set alarm bells ringin' in Jayne's ears. He hadn't heard the end of the big man's worries over the contact until he'd rather forcefully ordered him to shut up about it. They needed the coin. That was it. He didn't care who the man was, or what was in his boxes if they got paid.

Simon, being his efficient self, already had the box open by the time Mal got there. Shouldering him aside, Mal looked down into the box; there was a person inside, a fully dressed person.

"That's odd." Simon said behind him.

"Ain't there supposed to be a person in them boxes?" Jayne asked. "Yes, but she's fully dressed. The box requires the person inside to be naked unless-" Simon mused "Unless what?" Kaylee asked.

"Captain, does she have a pulse?" Simon asked authoritatively, his doctor persona taking over. Mal felt around, the flesh was cold, just like Tracey's had been, but that didn't mean she was dead, maybe she was on that drug that made a person appear dead.

"No. No pulse." He informed the good doctor. Simon nodded, "Pull her out, I'm going to perform an autopsy."

Kaylee looked at him aghast, but Mal merely grunted. Boy was right to want a closer look, the last time they'd had a dead body to transport it hadn't exactly been dead, and that fact had brought a whole heap of trouble on their heads.

"You think they're movin' organs?" Mal asked. "Would it matter if they were?" Simon queried in reply, his voice shrewd. Mal shrugged, whatever it was that was goin' on they'd taken great pains to conceal it by puttin' the statis boxes inside wooden ones.

After he helped Simon move the body to the infirmary, ignoring the baleful glares from Inara and Kaylee and the mumbling of River as they went, he ordered Jayne to open the rest of them, careful like so they could close them back up when they were done investigatin'. Then he headed to the bridge; being a pilot meant lots of lonely vigils with the black.

"So? Time to be breakin' another rule then sir?" Zoe asked from behind his shoulder. Mal shrugged, her voice sounded serious, yet playful.

"Might as well, not knowin' what I'm shippin' hasn't been much help so far." He replied. She didn't move, but the playful note left her voice when she spoke. "Always thought it was for your conscience sir."

"Think I've got enough on it, don' want no more than I can bear." He said honestly. "Ain't none of it belongs there sir, ain't yours to bear." She said forcefully, making him wince.

"'Course it is. If it weren't for my orders they'd still be alive. All of them." He rejoindered quickly.

"Let the dead lie." Zoe replied, and as she spoke he thought of River, her eyes lucid and boring deep into his soul when she'd said the words 'they all dead lie.'

He turned in the chair as he spoke, "don't mean I can put it down. Don't mean I even want to." Then looking in her eyes, the eyes that so often seemed to avoid his lately he continued. "It may not be mine to bear, but I'm willin' to bear it."

"I didn't ask that of you sir." She said softly, holding his gaze.

"Am I to take that to mean you don't want my help? That yer fixin' to leave?" He asked, his gut twisting in knots, if she said no...

"I ain't gonna be the proverbial straw." She said heavily, confirming his worries that she was in fact contemplating life off ship. Swallowing his reticence he spoke, "Zoe, you ain't never been a hay bale, you, yer the other camel. The one that keeps the other from givin' up afore they reach the oasis."

She looked into his eyes, and finally the windows unshuttered and he saw her fears. Her worries that she'd overburdened him. That he would die on some damn fool job. That he was angry with her. It was now or never.

"Zoe. You brought me my first drink of water in the desert. It ain't a burden to carry you to the next one. You kept my feet movin'. I miss Wash like hell, but it ain't guilt that keeps me goin'. It's you. You kept me goin' for so long, now it's my turn."

Standing, he took her in his arms and held her as she cried. Cried like a dam had broken, like he'd wanted to after Serenity Valley.

* * *

"Well, she's definitely dead, dead before she was put in the box." Simon reported, he had completed the autopsy, and was thankfully using Captain dummy speak instead of all that medical jargon he had a tendency to spew.

"Why'd they want to put a dead body in a statis box?" Mal mulled out loud.

Simon shrugged, "No idea. Maybe it's an intimidation thing." Met with Mal's blank, un-understanding stare, he continued, "You know, in the vids where the mob on Londinium is trying to intimidate someone, so they kill a relative and have them delivered."

"And that counts as entertainment?" Mal snorted. "Better than the terrible traveling shows in the sky plexs' Simon shot back .

"So, any luck gentlemen?" Inara's voice broke in before they could really get going on trading barbs.

"She was dead before she went in, and she's well cared for. Not ill as far as I can tell, and washed. Plus she seems to be missing a wedding ring." Simon said pointing to the faint tan line on her left ring finger.

Inara looked over his shoulder, studying the body with the same air of detachment Simon had. "Her hair was professionally done, and her nails manicured. This is no ordinary woman" She added.

"So?" Mal asked.

"So, should be a record of whoever this is. We should River to look for her on the cortex." Simon said.

"Still don't see yer point there doc." Mal said gruffly, obviously understanding, but not caring.

"Don't you want to know who she is?" Simon asked, slightly horrified by his calloused tone.

"Not particularly. She's dead, she ain't contagious, don't appear to have been murdered. Mayhap they jus' wanted to bury her on her home planet, and since Alliance won't allow transport of dead bodies, they concealed it on a tramp freighter like ours."

Simon and Inara mulled his words over, then Jayne appeared in the infirmary. "They're all like that." He said gesturing to the woman on the table.

"Is she to be buried in a mass grave then Captain?" Simon shot at Mal a look of triumph on his face.

"Jus' look at the other bodies an' tell me what you find." Mal huffed as he stalked off.

* * *

Ten autopsies with ten similar results, although three of the bodies bespoke of much better upbringing than the others. Most of the bodies could have belonged to any average person living on a core, or richer border world, but three of them belonged to very wealthy individuals. There was extensive plastic surgery on the woman's face, and her nails, skin and hair were far to lush to be natural. She had obviously been receiving treatments to keep her looking much younger than her fifty odd years.

He wished he'd paid more attention when they'd learned about autopsies, but knowing he wanted to do surgery, hadn't filed the information away very carefully and so some of it was lost. He was relying on cortex searches to confirm his findings, which made him uncomfortable. If he got it wrong, who knew what the possible consequences might be?

He never went into surgery without doing research beforehand, having a plan, and practicing in the lab until he knew he could do it without making a mistake. This flying by the seat of his pants frightened him. Surgeons, especially trauma surgeons, often had to wing it in surgery, but he'd practiced those skills until they were second nature. This, this was totally unfamiliar.

At first he'd thought being a trauma surgeon would be enough, but he was learning he also needed the skills of a psychiatrist, GP, an OB, and now an ME. What next?

The fact that he hadn't diagnosed what had killed all these people was frustrating. He had ten perfectly healthy individuals. They didn't have cancer, heart disease, liver disease, nor any long term infections. Usually people in such condition died from trauma or poison, but their tox screens were clear and their bodies were pristine.

He wondered if the pax showed up in the Miranda bodies, probably, it had been long term exposure, but if these people had been exposed to something short term, perhaps it wouldn't show up on a physical examination. Intrigued, he turned to the cortex looking for noxious gases that would only leave behind small clues in the body, clues an inexperienced ME would miss.

* * *

He found it, a new, experimental biological agent only found in Alliance lab's, and ostensibly only for study, had somehow found its way into these ten bodies. Ten bodies which had nothing in common except for their excellent health. It was murder, maybe, but maybe they were collateral damage from some sort of test the Alliance was running.

It made his skin crawl to think of medicine being applied in such a way, but after all he'd seen and experienced since rescuing River it wasn't as much of a shock as it should have been. He was loathe to approach Mal without more information, like who these people were, and who had had access to the agent in the labs. So having had exhausted his hacking skills in accessing the synopsis of the study leading to the creation of the agent, he turned to River.

She was more insane than usual, but she was also the only one with the ability to turn algorithms on their heads. As he explained the assignment to her she seemed to become more lucid, and eager.

"Simon says." She smiled sweetly at him, and knowing Mal would have his head if he left her alone on the bridge to potentially muck up the autopilot, he sat in the co-pilot's chair.

River mumbled to herself, primes, fractals, turning things on their heads, with an almost childish glee. He'd forgotten how much she enjoyed mathematical problems, the more complex the better. Hacking seemed to be the perfect therapy, as she worked her speech became more comprehensible, nearly academic.

They spent hours, Simon in a half doze, relaxing to the sound of her voice, a voice that sounded far more familiar than it had for the past two days, when finally River jumped up. "Found you!" She pointed at the screen. "Count to a hundred, let them hide."

For once understanding her non sequiter he replied, "Yes _mei mei,_ you were it."

She grinned up at him proudly, as he looked through the information she had found. Apparently an entire lot of the agent had gone missing from the lab more than ten years ago. Quickly doing the math, he realized that this meant hundreds of people. Someone, some serial killer, was killing people and then potentially placing the bodies in statis and hiring tramp freighters to transport them, for the past ten years.

Shuddering he looked at River. She seemed more herself, even as she began to spout nonsense again. "Biological necessity in times of famine. Consumption of the noble and good, only, of course, after all other foraging options have been exhausted. Stalingrad. Gulags. Pows. Donners." She looked at him seriously, but he had no idea what she was talking about.

He sighed. Maybe he should try to tease the meaning from her, but first he needed to report to Mal. He needed the Captain in a decent mood at some point in the next week, and although this wasn't likely to ensure that, at least he had as much information as possible. Though the fact that they had been unable to identify the victims kept niggling away in the far recesses of his mind.

* * *

"So yer sayin' some serial killer is usin' this biological agent to murder people. People who are then placed in statis boxes and shipped?" Mal replied after listening for what felt like an hour to Simon's long winded explanation.

"Theoretically." Simon replied uncomfortably.

Mal glared at him and Simon gulped, and elaborated, "I mean, I have no proof of that happening, but based on what I've seen it is likely that it has."

Mal sighed, why did things always have to get so gorram complicated?, as he spoke, "So, you have no proof other than what's in front of us?"

"No." Simon replied matter of factly.

"And what exactly am I supposed to do with this information?" Mal asked. Simon merely shrugged in response.

"You don' have an opinion doc?" He needled, boy always had an opinion, one that he had no problem voicing, and one that usually wasn't at all what Mal wanted to hear, but not this time.

"I've exhausted my acumen. Now it falls to your special set of skills." He answered truthfully.

Well that was somethin'. Boy was finally learnin' a bit of respect, leanin' he didn' actually know everythin'. It was a momentous occasion. One that deserved toastin', maybe even a shindig. But he let it pass by. Wouldn't be seemly to have a party at the doc's expense. Maybe Inara was rubbin' off on him after all.

"I'll look into it." He said to Simon, and blessedly the doc understood the social cue and left him alone.

Jayne had been right, there was somethin' awfully off about their contact. Was he a serial killer? Wouldn't be the first time they'd contracted with someone sick and twisted. In fact, that was almost always who they contracted with.

He'd seemed to Mal like any shady shipper with goods that were either illegal, or that they'd like to dodge tariff on. His perceptions were usually correct, and he hadn't seemed like a killer, more like a middle man. Which meant the killer was someone else. Someone upstream with plenty of money; they'd been paid well for this delivery.

Well enough to buy some fresh produce, engine parts, and restock the infirmary. That weren't somethin' Mal could turn his nose up at in a fit of superiority. Not with Zoe in the condition she was in. Man with enough money to steal from the Alliance itself and get away with it would be impossible to nail down, and even if they did what was the point? Last time he'd gone a crusade he'd gotten people killed, people he loved.

They were going to complete the delivery. It gave him the creeps to know what he'd transported, but then, that had been the whole point of rules. To keep him from getting all creepified. Damn River. She was shootin' his conscience all to hell just by bein'.


	5. Chapter 4

Author's note: Thanks for sticking with the story and for all your reviews, the support is what makes writing Fan Fic so much fun!

* * *

By some miracle River's crazy spell seemed to have passed, and Mal eagerly handed the helm over. Girl was like a temperature gauge, goin' crazy when the crew was tense or somethin' was off. Shame she couldn't speak her mind. He had a feelin' she knew more than Simon had proof of, but either she couldn't access it, or she couldn't express it.

Soon as he made the decision to complete the delivery he was sure he'd have a near mutiny on his hands, but everyone seemed too tuckered out to care. Arguin' amongst themselves wore them out, leavin' them all too tired to argue with them, which was another unexpected gift.

Or curse. Not havin' to worry 'bout Zoe, settle arguments and override objections meant he had time to think, and when he had time to think his mind invariably strayed to Inara. Woman was more like smoke than ever, ghostin' about the ship in a strange mimicry of River.

Now, instead of non answers to his questions he got no answers. Her voice seemed to have disappeared. Damn that bastard. Simon had said there hadn't been new trauma, but from the sympathetic way he'd said it Mal guessed she had been hurt at some point, and hurt badly.

She'd been in shellshock on board that yacht, and she had yet to fully emerge from it, even after an entire month. A month in which he had tried to give her space. He wasn't sure what else to do. Zoe could help her, if Zoe weren't in survival mode, pregnancy seemed as tough as that summer campaign on Three Hills where they'd learned to speak without speakin' due to the exhaustion.

Maybe Simon would have some ideas. He was a doctor after all, and he'd had plenty of ideas for fixin' River. Mayhap he'd have some for 'Nara. Once they'd unloaded this godawful cargo and found new work he and the doc would have to have a chat.

Odd as it was to be seekin' Simon out for advice there wasn't much else as occurred to him. Other than mullin' about River's little puzzle. They all did lie, they all dead lie. What on earth had she meant?

* * *

Touchin' down in the berth assigned Mal noticed through the windows that it was a much nicer portion of the dock than Serenity was usually routed to. He patted River, "Nice landing Albatross."

She giggled, "Albatrosses belong in the sky."

He smiled down at her, "don't we all." He turned to leave, and she followed him, silently. Girl could walk softer than Jayne, or even Zoe. It was a tad creepy, but she looked, happy. It was strangely companionable, the two of them walking in silence other than his footfalls, he knew she was likely inhabiting his thoughts, but he didn't mind. Body could get used to anythin'.

Standing on the catwalk with his silent companion he scanned the cargo bay. Jayne was stationed near the exterior cargo door shifting uncomfortably on his feet. The two of them had loaded the bodies back into the statis boxes and then re encased them in wood, so there was no evidence of the investigatin' they'd been up to in transit.

Bein' nervous might give it away though. He glared at Jayne as he approached, River peeling off to her room, "Stop shiftin' about, or they're gonna think we're shifty."

"We ain't shifty?" Jayne asked slightly belligerently. River giggled in the background, and Jayne's eyes twinkled. Mal fought back a smile.

"Well, we are, but you know. Not like that." He replied eloquently, dropping the door open, and lounging on the opposite side as Jayne for their contact to arrive.

After a few minutes of waiting, the contact arrived, along with two burly, but unarmed men. He affably greeted Mal, a jolly glint in his eye. It was off putting, knowing that he might be a serial killer, to shake the hand of such a friendly individual.

Jayne eyed him suspiciously, but the man seemed unaffronted. "Oh good, good. I'm Mr Stadler. Just in time too. Hope you had no problems on your way?" He said as he handed Mal his bag of money.

"Not of any kind." Mal replied, declining to return the introduction, as he checked to make sure they'd been paid in full.

"Good, good." The man replied, somewhat distractedly, his eyes on the boxes. Mal sincerely hoped there weren't nothin' to see.

"Not that it matters, but we don't usually do business on this side of the docks." Mal said, trying to distract the man from the cargo.

"Oh that, yes, well, it's rather busy. The Xioping's are having their annual party so the docks are rather full." Mr Staedler said, his eyes jolly once more.

Mal nodded, made sense, rich folk often had all kinds of delicacies delivered, in fact it was the perfect time to make a landing with their cargo, dock master would be too busy caterin' to the Xiopings to notice their little Firefly.

"You and your crew are welcome Captain." Mr Staedler broke the silence as his men finished with the last two boxes and pushed several invitations into Mal's hands.

"What's this shindig for?" Mal asked suspiciously.

"Victory." Mr Staedler replied smugly.

"Uh, thanks." Mal replied.

"Pleasure doing business with you sir." Mr Staedler said as he turned to leave.

Well, that went well. Man didn't know his name, couldn't have seen Serenity's name, and they'd gotten paid. Day was just full of good omens, mayhap they'd even find good payin' work to their next berth.

* * *

"We get paid?" Zoe asked after the doors had closed. Crew had gathered as they always did when Serenity was in dock, eager to be off for some sunshine.

"Not only did we get paid, we got invites." Jayne yelled gleefully. Mal shrugged, they were only in port long enough to secure supplies, do repairs that couldn't be done while flyin', and secure work. Didn't leave much time for fancy shindigs. Plus he'd learned his lesson last time; man in a nice suit would try to kill you, but he'd do it with ridiculous rules that would hamstring yer ability to kill him first.

Kaylee's face lit up as she held the invitation Jayne handed her.

"Real paper." She breathed, touching it reverently. "And it's embossed." she gasped as she ran her finger over the words.

Simon and Inara both handled their invitations with practiced ease, but though they both tried to tamp down their excitement, it shone in their faces. Well, he couldn't begrudge them a night of civilization. He'd missed Shadow terribly during the war, and after, took a long time for a body to get used to the idea of home bein' a rovin' spaceship. Unless of course that was how you grew up; Zoe wasn't impressed with the invitation. He knew she would volunteer to do the supply run, septic dump, all of it so the others could go. This was her home, she rarely needed shore time the way the others did. Not that he'd let her do chores that were like to make her vomit. Wouldn't be honorable.

Kaylee turned to Inara, "do you think I could borrow your scalloped skirt with the peach blouse?" She asked. Inara smiled warmly and the two of them began to withdraw to her quarters. Mal cleared his throat.

They both turned to look daggers at him, along with the doctor, but he really needed Kaylee on the supply run. She was the only one who knew which parts they needed, and she was better at bargainin' than the rest of them combined. This was a nice safe planet, hell she could even take River with her, girl could use some fresh air.

"I'm sorry Kaylee, but we got a list as long as my arm, an' someone's gotta pick it up." He said not unsympathetically.

"An' why's that someone me?" She asked

"Cause you'll be sure to get a discount with yer winnin' smile." He said, trying to soften the disappointment with a compliment. She seemed slightly mollified, and turning to Simon said, "Could use yer help Simon, now that you ain't a fugie no more you can come and see the sights."

Jayne snorted, but Simon didn't need his help pissing Kaylee off. "Oh, uh, er, I was thinking I'd go to the party."

Kaylee's face darkened, but instead of shouting at him, or crumpling into tears, she seemed to steel herself. "Okay. Have fun." She forced out. Simon, missing her inflection, smiled, kissed her cheek and left to go dress.

"Jayne yer with me." Mal ordered.

"Aw, Cap'n-" Jayne began to whine, damn if his crew wasn't filled with ornery creatures.

"Might be violence involved." Mal bribed, biting back a smile.

"Well alright, let me get my girls." Jayne grumbled good naturedly.

"And Kaylee, if River's up to it, she can go along with ya." Mal said as she began walking dejectedly to the engine room.

"Sir?" Zoe queried.

"Yer with the ship."

She nodded, warmth in her eyes, confirming to him that yes, yes she was. Well, he was glad that was all settled then. Jayne came lumbering down, his step as gleeful at the prospect of violence as Simon's were at the prospect of an etiquette ridden shindig, followed by a cheerful River.

"Going shopping." She said at his look. He smiled and said as she broke off to engine room, "you two have a nice time." He called after her. He hoped they did. Nothin' worse then his boat missin' it's sunshine and it's albatross goin' loopy.

Turning to Jayne he nodded and the two of them headed off to meet a contact. Man had posted a general wanted post on the local net for help rescuing his wife. That was a job that wouldn't try his conscience. He hadn't told Jayne, considering how their last rescue had gone he thought it best to keep it under his hat until they were committed.

Feeling satisfied he couldn't help but smile as he left for the meet.

* * *

Light on her face. Old light. Couldn't get close enough for it to be new. Earth under her feet. Old earth. Once she'd read about volcanoes spewing magma to create new earth. She'd wanted to see one, fly over it, maybe touch the newly made earth, but they'd vacationed on Sihnon that summer instead. Civilized planets didn't have things like active volcanoes.

New things were always cataclysmic. Some changes were slow, like erosion from wind or water, changing what already was, but change to make something new was explosive, and dangerous. She was a new thing. It had been explosive, dangerous, painful. Pain. No. She skittered away from her new birth.

_Jie jie_ was out of sorts. River had always wanted a sister, someone near her age to play with. Someone who wasn't focused on their studies like Simon. He always made time for her, but he was just so old. Nothing cataclysmic there. Not until now. Now he was in the process of erupting. And every time he did he inadvertently burned someone.

_Jie jie_. He loved her. Pain. But joy too. And sex. Lots of sex. They were finished bargaining. Kaylee had a way about her that made people love her. It was odd. Simon should be jealous, not Kaylee. But it was Kaylee that was consumed.

"Volcanic soil is among the most rich." She said, trying to help her understand. Kaylee turned to her confused, "That why they use volcanoes when they're terraformin'?" River nodded and continued, "Explosive. Cataclysmic."

"Changin' a planet, no wonder." Kaylee mused to herself as she fingered a bit of fabric. It had a satiny sheen to it, and suited her coloring. With a sigh she turned away. Then grinning at River suggested they dump the supplies in the cargo bay and then go see the sights. River grinned back. Kaylee was the most fun, and since Simon was being a _pi gu_ she got her all to herself.

Giggling they headed back to the ship, looking for all the world like two sisters on a shopping trip without a care in the 'verse.

* * *

Chinese Translations

_Jie jie_: older sister

_pi gu_: ass


	6. Chapter 5

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone for reading and the reviews, enjoy!

* * *

The soup, a lovely cucumber was delicious. Simon allowed himself a moment to luxuriate, to miss Osiris, and the fabulous dinners he had attended. This was cooking at it's finest; even when Serenity had fresh food it didn't taste like this. It was glorious, it was worth the argument between he and Kaylee. This was what people were meant to eat.

The second course, fish, was just as delectable. He heard Inara sigh with pleasure next to him. Neither of them had ever had fish aboard Serenity, it was a rare commodity, grown in tanks by specialists. He wondered for a moment if the rest of the crew had even tasted fish once in their lifetime, but the thought was quickly banished as the next course was brought out. Suddenly it all clicked, all River's ramblings, she'd known, it wasn't possible, but she'd known.

It looked like veal, another core delicacy, but it didn't smell quite right. If he hadn't been a surgeon cauterizing as he worked he wouldn't have known why it didn't smell right. Inara certainly hadn't noticed, her left hand was already grasping her fork. Putting his hand over Inara's he leaned in and whispered in her ear. "Don't eat the meat." She looked at him, confused, but he gave her his best stern Doctor glare and she nodded imperceptibly.

"Don't you want any?" Magnate Stinson asked.

"My companion and I are vegetarian." Inara replied smoothly; she didn't know why Simon didn't want her to eat the meat, but he was rarely that serious for no reason, and she had no reason not to trust him.

"This is the finest meat in the galaxy, are you sure?" He pressed, politely.

"Yes of course, for us it's more than lifestyle, it's a deep belief stemming from-" She didn't have to finish her lie, he was already bored and engaging the man next to him in conversation. She turned to question Simon, but he looked distressed.

He had been eager to get away from his life, to go back to what had once been, and though it pained her to see Kaylee hurt by his refusal to see the sights with her, she had to admit having him as her escort had improved the outing greatly.

Simon was an excellent conversationalist, and his presence kept other men far away. Though she was loathe to admit it, she no longer belonged here. Every time a man looked her up and down, instead of having a pleasant thrill, she felt dirty, contaminated, and afraid. Simon she knew, Simon she could trust.

She could trust Mal too, just not in this sort of company, and as much as she loved Serenity she didn't love the food. Tasteless glue punctuated with occasional produce wasn't satisfying after a lifetime of varied meats, cheeses, fruits and other delicacies. She longed for a proper repast, and so had agreed to the party, even though society was the last place she wanted to be.

Simon, with his eagerness, and infused her with a sense of happiness, but now that he was distressed, all she felt was dread at all the eyes on her. Unfortunately despite their mutual feelings they were required to sit through two more courses.

The conversation whirled around her, but there was a wall between her and the others. She just couldn't connect, which was frustrating, she had once been extremely skilled at overcoming her emotions and connecting with those around her. When people leaned in to speak to her or Simon they withdrew quickly as they felt the emotions emanating from the pair. It was painful, and she wanted nothing more than to leave.

After the last course had been cleared away their host Mr Xioping stood and spoke, "My friends, we have had another excellent meal," he said expansively as he gestured to the table. Simon stiffened next to her, but the rest of the guests laughed in lazy enjoyment.

Xioping smiled and continued, "Normally we would retire to the drawing room, but first a certain Mr Staedler has just arrived from Beaumonde, with urgent news." The crowd whispered in confusion amongst themselves, when the guest appeared.

"Gentlemen and Ladies. I am sorry I missed your most excellent meal, and I hate to interrupt your lovely evening, but I have urgent news from Beaumonde. Well, not Beaumonde exactly, but I heard the news enroute, as it was breaking, and so, while it saddens me to put a damper on such a lovely evening I feel it is my duty to inform you that Corinne Stinson, and her two children were murdered about ten days ago!"

"No, that cannot be, I left her and the boys in perfect health, surrounded by the best security money can buy!" Magnate Stinson said as he leapt to his feet, glaring angrily at Mr Staedler.

"I'm so sorry, but seems they were poisoned by a most unusual biological agent." Simon gasped in shock next to her, but the rest of the crowd ignored him.

"Why haven't I been contacted by the police?" The Magnate inquired, trying to avoid the reality in front of him.

"The bodies haven't been recovered, apparently, so as far as the police know your family is just missing." Mr Staedler said smoothly, then after pausing for grand effect continued, "But you and I know better, don't we?"

"My god."The Magnate said as he sat down heavily. "How did you find out?" He asked wearily.

Mr Staedler smiled nastily, "it's all too easy, you and your little friends here have left plenty of tracks for those enterprising enough to look to find." Then turning smugly to the crowd he produced a ring.

"You son of a bitch!" Magnate Stinson yelled, jumping to his feet.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce the patron of your meal this evening?" Staedler said, gesturing to the Magnate. The Magnate let out a strangled wail and attempted to fling himself at Mr. Staedler, but was held back by his friends.

"Murderer!" He screamed.

"On the contrary, I merely informed your supplier where he could find specimens in excellent health. Specimens that met your little club's requirements." Mr Staedler replied smoothly. The Magnate screamed and lunged toward Mr Staedler again, but couldn't escape the hold of his friends.

"I hope knowing your dinner made it all the sweeter." He said cruelly, and interrupted by a snarl from the Magnate smiled as he continued, "I know it made my victory all the sweeter." Then with a flourish he made to leave, but the Magnate had finally twisted away from his friends and started to yell for security as he pursued Mr. Staedler.

Simon, his face white, whispered in her ear, "That's our cue to leave." Nodding she followed him out the exit, the two of them hardly noticed in the uproar. As soon as they were clear from the hubbub Simon leaned over and vomited.

"Are you alright?" She asked worriedly.

"Civilized." He snorted. "They're Reavers, only they dress their dinner up before they eat it."

"What do you mean?" She asked horrified.

"The meat, it was human." He spat out, looking green.

"What?" She stammered, it was unbelievable, that people of that caliber, men she would have contracted with, could do such a thing.

"It seems we delivered the main course, and all so Mr Staedler could exact some sort of revenge on the Magnate of Beaumonde." Simon said bitterly.

"Are you saying that what we went to was-" Inara gulped, it couldn't be, it just couldn't.

"They were cannibals, have been for years." Simon said matter of factly. She just stood there, blank.

"No wonder they didn't care if they made the Reavers, the upper echelons of Alliance society are Reavers themselves." He muttered bitterly under his breath. She wanted to scream, to run, to throw up, but she did none of those things.

"We can't tell Mal." She said, hardly believing how calm her speech sounded.

"I think he already knows. I told him my conjectures about a serial killer and the way River's been babbling; he can usually puzzle out her meanings." Simon said, nearly nonchalantly.

"Still, to know what he was party to-" She began to say angrily, but Simon merely shrugged.

"How can you be so cold?" She demanded.

"What are you going to tell him instead? How you couldn't speak to the men around you? How you simply adore the taste of fish? How nice it was to get off the ship? Or are you going to lie?" Simon asked, sidestepping her question.

She stared at him. He was right. She had nothing else to tell, everything she had to say was somehow worse than the truth. The pain in Mal's eyes when he'd slapped her aboard the yacht seemed to be ever present when he looked at her. He would hate hearing about the taste of fish, of how lovely civilization was.

Simon smiled, "actually, I think he might like the closure, to know that those who think themselves so much better than he are worse than Reavers."

She smiled back, Mal likely would find dark humor in the idea of 'civilized' people being no better than Reavers, and nodded.

* * *

His boat should be quiet. Jayne was out getting' his play, Zoe was nappin', yet again, River was happily scribblin' some equation on a bit of paper, and Inara and Simon were at the fancy shindig. But no. There seemed to be a helluva lot of bangin' comin' from his engine room.

Poking his head in he asked, "You okay _mei mei_?"

"Fine Cap'n." She replied, a false smile plastered all over her face.

"Only it didn't seem that way today. What with all yer shoutin', ain't like you Kaylee." Mal probed gently.

"It's just-" She began, pausing for a bit and lowering her voice continued, "He don' see me."

"What do you mean?" Mal asked, remembering his own words to Inara about Atherton Wing.

"Sometimes, sometimes I think he don' really even like me, he jus', well I'm jus' the only thing there." She said, her voice quaveringly uncertain.

Patting her shoulder he spoke, "He sees you Kaylee. He sees you in coveralls, he sees you makin' Serenity fly. He sees you tunin' the mule, makin' dinner, washin' dishes. He sees you."

She nodded, but she didn't believe him. "I jus' wish I could, be that girl ya know? The girl he always wanted."

"Who's to sa you ain't?" He exclaimed.

"I dunno Cap'n." She sighed, sadder than he ever remembered her being. Taking a deep breath he dove in, "Kaylee, Simon don' seem like a man who enters into things lightly. He didn't jus' become a doctor, he was top three percent of his class, finished his internship in three years. He didn't jus' worry on River, he stole her right out from under their noses and brought her out here. An' when it all went pear shaped on us he stood his ground and fought. Man like that, he loves and he loves hard."

Kaylee looked at him, dumbfounded by his speech, but still just shrugged her shoulders, "I dunno, I still jus', sometimes, I jus think that he's, ya know, that he's jus' settled on me."

Felt like he wasn't getting' anywhere. Damn if talkin' with females weren't difficult. He could see why Jayne avoided it at all costs. He tried again, "settled ain't the right word Kaylee. Decided. Boy was in love with you from day one, why do you think he chose Serenity? Only thing is he's a mite bad at explainin'."

"You can say that again." She said, a cheerful grin spreading across her features. Grinning back he said, "but he tries. Can't never say he don' try. Don' mean he succeeds all the time, but I ain't never seen so much sunshine from either of ya when he does." Kaylee nodded, finally started to believe him, and pouted, "today, he was jus' such a jerk."

"Man's got a lot on his mind." Mal replied gently.

"Oh I know it Cap'n, but I jus' want him to talk it over with me. Even if I ain't educated." Kaylee said, more sure of herself, but still disheartened.

"He's a doctor Kaylee-" Mal started to explain, but she interrupted rather forcefully. "I know!"

He looked at her seriously, and continued, "Do you? Sometimes he can't tell ya everythin' you wanna know, 'cause if he did then someone else might end up hurtin'. You ain't never been a selfish girl, don' you start now. There are gonna be things he can't tell ya, but if yer gonna be the woman he always wanted ya gotta be patient with him."

She nodded, thoughtfully, and as he got up to leave she said, "thanks Cap'n." Feelin' mighty good about himself he turned to leave, but she continued speaking. "If you could jus' talk to 'Nara like that."

He turned to glare at her, but she continued anyway, "iffin' ya could, you could have yer own bits of sunshine. That's all I'm sayin'."

He smiled, glad her own sunshine had returned, and said, "Mayhap I will."


	7. Chapter 6

Author's Note: Last chapter. Hope you've enjoyed the story, I know I enjoyed writing it. I've really appreciated all your reviews, thank you! There will be a book ending epilogue to follow

* * *

"Good yer back. Jayne showed up a few minutes ago, we was jus' waitin' on you two to break atmo." Mal said as they walked up to the ship. Inara nodded, her face in that frozen mask she'd somehow borrowed from Zoe, and Simon looked faintly ill.

"Have a good time then?" He asked. Simon snorted, "Hardly. Threw up most of my dinner on the walk back."

Mal did a double take, boy rarely talked that bitterly unless it had something to do with River, he was about to press for answers when Simon continued, "though thankfully we didn't eat any of the meat."

Now he was really confused, all Simon and Inara did at dinner was make faces, and then politely ask him for better food whenever he drew up a supply list. He'd a thought they would have enjoyed having a fine catered meal, but the pair of them looked sicker than a monkey with food poisonin'. But once again before he could ask a question Simon continued.

"You know those bodies we transported?" His question was obviously rhetorical, man had a story to tell and he was enjoyin' tellin' it. "They were the main course."

"What?" Kaylee screeched from the catwalk behind him.

"Seems the upper echelons of Alliance society are in fact Reavers." Simon said, his voice bitter and betrayed.

"You sayin' that the folks in the boxes was food for some _xi niu sha guas_?" Jayne asked. Simon nodded and said, "and part of a certain Mr Staedler's revenge over the Magnate of Beaumonde."

"Explains the free invites." Mal mused, "man wanted someone to see his, what was it Jayne?"

"Victory." Jayne supplied, then added "_Hun dan_" for good measure.

"They all were." Simon said.

"That ain't right, eatin' people. I jus' don' get how someone can turn all twisted like." Jayne said disgustedly. "And they weren't even exposed to the pax or they'd a been_ feng le_." He continued.

"Time we left this rock." Mal ordered.

"I'll let moonbrain know." Jayne said, eager to be away from the topic of conversation. Man had always been real unsettled 'bout Reavers, even more than most folk. Simon didn't take him to task for insulting River, he was too confounded by the whole situation. Mal wanted to shake him. When was the boy gonna leave the past behind and appreciate what he had in the here and now?

Turning to Inara he opened his mouth, thought to offer some comfort, but she had already left the cargo bay. He stared after her as she passed the infirmary, unsure of whether or not to follow, but Kaylee and Simon made the decision for him.

"Sorry you didn' have a good time." Kaylee said sympathetically, and Simon turned to her and attempted a smile. "River and I had a nice time. Seein' the sights 'n all." Kaylee continued. Mal smiled, mayhap their little talk in the engine room had smoothed her ruffled feathers. Felt good.

In spite of the gristly cargo it was a good day. Got paid. New work lined up. Didn't get shot, didn't even get shot at. And he'd settled things with Zoe, and Kaylee too. Sighing in rare satisfaction, he turned to watch the little scene playing out in his cargo bay.

"I wish you could have come with me." Simon said, Kaylee looked at him a little aghast, but he quickly continued. "The courses before the meat came out, they were amazing. Cucumber soup, and fish."

"Ain't never had either." Simon smiled at her sadly, "I know. It's a shame. In the core we have so much, and it all comes from the Rim, yet you have so little."

"Ain't true Simon. We got adventure, family." Kaylee said, her sunshine brightening the bleakness of her childhood. "Just doesn't seem right." Simon said heavily, taking yet another burden onto his already overburdened shoulders, but Kaylee smiled at him.

"Don't seem right to be all stuffed up an borin' neither. Bet you had just a handful of fun times growin' up, but every day was about discovery and adventure for me. 'Sides, ain't yer fault. Accident of birth."

"Seems to me, you deserve more than you were given." Simon said sadly. Kaylee huffed, "when you gonna let the past go? Shepherd Book always said it wasn't what you was givin', it was what you did with it."

Simon stared at her for a moment, then took her in his arms. "You're amazing." Mal hastily turned away, it was one thing to watch the sparkly sweetness, it was another to spy on the pair of them kissin', and much as he enjoyed his crew comin' back to their senses, by watching it play out, he'd missed another rare opportunity to speak with Inara.

He sighed, and avoiding the cargo bay, headed through the passenger dorms and up the ladder to the catwalk by shuttle two. River was in her right mind, so he grabbed himself a cup of coffee and sat at the table in the galley. Usually Zoe would join him, she seemed to have a sense of where he was, but the smell of the coffee kept her away, so instead he was left in an empty galley.

Too empty. Two empty chairs. He missed both Wash and Book somethin' fierce. Neither had been afraid to disagree with him, and they often did, but they were true friends. Wash had a calming way about him the boat sorely missed, and the Shepherd's wisdom helped stabilize all the differing personalities and perspectives. He sighed, sipped his coffee and tried to think on better times.

* * *

Jayne had come to tell her to fly. With glee she helped Serenity spread her wings and break through the atmosphere and gravitational pull of the planet that tried to hold her to the ground. She belonged in the sky and sang with glory as they finally shot into space.

Jayne oddly, didn't seem inclined to leave. Normally he shot out of her presence as fast as he could, but today he seemed to need to stare at the stars. Stargazing. Old light. They all did it, even Simon with his fear of the black. The stars, seemingly never changing, always there, shifting as you moved, yet never moving. Comfort. They were all different, yet the same.

"I don' get it. How does a man get so twisted that he eats another?"

She didn't turn to face him, but she knew. She knew the stories, and like Simon, she couldn't resist imparting the knowledge stored in her grey matter.

"Took the Hastings cutoff. Supposed to be faster. Brought the family, friends, hangers on. Fancy wagons, horses, plenty of cows, everything needed to start a new prosperous life. Excitement. Adventure. New frontier."

He didn't leave, seemed curious, well he wasn't a cat, so what harm could it do? She continued.

"Called themselves the Donner Party." He shivered next to her, murmuring "donor shindig" under his breath, and she nearly giggled at his apt misunderstanding.

"Had to break new ground. Invigorating. Then terrifying. Started to get late in the season. People got fractious. Murder. Anger. Split into smaller groups. Had to fight the Paiutes. Lost their cattle. Left a man behind."

He seemed almost eager for the tale now, eager to understand. Jayne trying to understand. She felt warm. As if the light of knowledge was replacing the starlight.

"They made it to the mountains. The snow came. They ran their leader off. Fought the snow, then they couldn't fight anymore." She shivered, "They lay down, but didn't mark the cattle where they fell. Ate what they could. Then ate nothing."

Jayne shivered too.

"Mothers fed the children. Didn't tell them what it was. But they knew. They all knew. Snowshoes left, came back, left again. Supposed to draw lots, but it was the half breed they killed. Rescue was too late. So they ate."

"They was hungry. Don' explain those that ain't." Jayne said, his bravado giving way to pensiveness. She searched her brain for more, "sacrifice to the gods. Ritual shaming of the enemy. Disposing the remains of a loved one."

Jayne snorted, and deciding she wasn't any help stomped off the bridge. Leaving her alone with, nothing. She sighed in satisfaction. The ghosts were off the ship, now it was just them floating silently through the black. Black with pricks of light. Home.

* * *

Mal was sitting in the galley as he and Kaylee passed on the way to her, their, room; and as much as he wanted to follow her down the ladder and not come up for air for a good long while, his duty as a doctor meant he needed to speak to Mal.

He excused himself from Kaylee, and instead of hurting her feelings as he normally did with such things she seemed to understand. He smiled. So far so good.

"Captain. I need to speak to you." He stated.

"Go on then, speak yer piece." Mal said. Simon launched right in, "it's about Zoe." Mal looked at him, and Simon swallowed hard. The Captain had a way of being intimidating with just his eyes, but he hadn't gone through residency for nothing.

"She's, uh, well, there are some pieces of equipment that I need for the proper care-" He stumbled, not wanting to betray her confidence.

"Done." Mal said, a small smile on his face.

"What?" Simon blurted.

"Anything you need you let me know, and we'll get it." Mal said in his authoritative captain voice.

"It could be expensive." Simon hedged, knowing just how much some of the machinery could cost. "Didn't say we'd necessarily pay for it." Mal replied. Simon smiled, "so I take it she told you then."

Mal shrugged, "didn' have to. All the signs are there. Won't be long afore everyone else knows."Simon nodded, "I had wondered why she was assigned to ship every time we landed."

"Ain't gonna put a pregnant woman in danger. Specially not Zoe." Mal said. He should have known, Mal was nothing if not a protector. He'd protected Saffron the first time they'd met, and though the two of them fought Mal had always looked out for River.

He thought about returning to Kaylee, but Mal seemed to be in a good mood, and he would likely know how to get the drugs needed for River's new, not agreed to yet, therapy.

"I also need some MDMA." He said.

"Just add it to the supply list." Mal replied, clearly thinking it was for Zoe or a basic infirmary drug that needed to be restocked.

"It's not a medicine per se, more of a recreational drug." Simon said. Mal looked at him askance. "It's for River." Simon amended, but Mal looked at him like that wasn't much better.

"I think it would help with the PTSD." He supplied. Mal looked confused, "thought she had what was it? Paranoid Schizophrenia?" he asked.

"That may have been a misdiagnosis, I thought her ramblings were indications of hallucinations and a disconnect with reality, but after Miranda." He paused, "she knows things that she couldn't, that are real, so despite the textbook garbled speech and bouts of catatonia, it doesn't seem to be Schizophrenia." Mal was looking at him, trying to understand, "her delusions are real." He stated.

"Yes. She was right about the boxes, right about the Reavers, so what we thought was paranoia isn't in fact paranoia. Though she does seem to perhaps have some sort of dissociative disorder, unable to truly connect with what's happening physically around her." He mused. Mal was starting to look a bit impatient, so he quickly got to the point.

"Anyway, I believe she has PTSD. She definitely has triggers, and if I can help her process the trauma she's been through in a positive way, change the pathways in her brain, I think it will help with the dissociation."

"You want to muck around inside her brain?" Mal said dangerously. Simon looked at him confusedly for a moment, wondering where he had misunderstood. "No, every time we access a memory we change it. When she accesses the memories related to her trauma she strengthens the pain pathways. What the MDMA does is give you pleasure, so it changes how you remember the memories, which lessens the trauma over repeated accessings."

Mal narrowed his eyes, Simon prepared himself for the onslaught, for the rage at messing with his little sister, but instead Mal asked a thoughtful question. "So it helps lessen the pain of a remembered trauma?"

"In effect, yes." Simon answered. Mal was quiet again for a moment, but since he appeared to be considering it, Simon fought against his desire to further explain and kept his mouth shut.

"She the only one you want to use it for?" He asked. Simon thought for a moment, and realized that no, River wasn't the only one that would benefit. They'd all been through trauma, though most of them seemed to cope well, except Inara. Inara the ghost. He'd been so wrapped up in Kaylee, River and Zoe her symptoms had slipped past him.

"No, in fact Inara would likely benefit as well." He answered. Mal nodded, "we'll get it for ya doc." Simon wanted to smile, but Mal continued, "but you ain't usin' it on anyone as doesn't agree to it."

"But-" Simon spluttered, River needed this therapy, with it she could finally get past her demons, if he was correct in his diagnosis.

"You force it on either of them, yer no better than those that hurt them." Mal reiterated. Simon felt angry, "Yes I am."

"Force is force." Mal returned. Simon disagreed, "violence is violence," he said, trying to provoke Mal.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Mal asked dangerously. Simon glared at him, "the purpose behind the action is as important as the action itself."

"Rape is still rape." Mal said softly, understanding his point, but choosing to stick with his own. Simon wouldn't let it go though, "this wouldn't hurt them, the studies I read-" but Mal interrupted him

"This is my boat. You wanna stay aboard you follow orders." He said with the full strength of his authority and sense of righteousness behind it. Simon nodded, and Mal now placated, offered an olive branch. "It would help. Ain't gonna argue that. It's a good notion doc. You'll just have to convince them."

"Okay." Simon said, and walked out of the galley. So it hadn't gone exactly as planned, but Mal was on his side. That was rare. He should enjoy it for the victory it was.

* * *

The doctor's mind never stopped spinnin'. Where he got the time to research was beyond Mal, between bein' with Kaylee, mindin' his sister and stitchin' them up he'd had time to finesse his diagnosis and come up with a therapy. Not to mention the laundry list of supplies he'd given for Zoe.

As he'd talked, Mal realized that River wasn't the only one trapped in her memories. Inara seemed to be unable to break free of the grasp she was in. Normally so full of life she'd been almost a nonentity on his boat since her return. He wasn't sure how Simon could convince her she needed therapy though. The woman was nothing if not proud.

He felt pulled to her, and for once he followed the pull. He had no reason for being there, but he knocked anyway.

"_Qing jin_." her voice rang out bright and clear, he slid the door open and entered. It was a peaceful haven that spoke of Inara, and he felt his shoulders relax as he breathed in the incense floating in the air.

"Something you wanted?" She asked softly, her tone covered in bristles.

"Captain can't look in on his crew?" Mal replied, trying to be casual, trying to talk to her the way he'd done with Zoe and Kaylee.

"I'm just a passenger Mal." Inara sighed. "Now, you know you ain't-"He started to say, but she interrupted him, "so you didn't come here with any purpose in mind?"

He started again, feeling himself getting angry, "'Nara, I've left you alone, let you keep your secrets and be in peace, but it don' seem to be workin'."

"It's working fine. I'm fine." She said stoically.

"No you ain't. Haven't seen hide nor hair of ya in weeks. You been hidin' out in here, only showin' yer face for meals. Ain't like you to hide away like that." He said hotly.

"What do you know?" She all but screeched. "You've known me for what? A year. A year in which you peppered me with insults and drove me away. You don't know me Malcolm Reynolds. You don't know me at all." She said her voice bitter.

"I know this ain't right, what yer doin'." He said, stolidly trying to make her see reason.

"That right Mal?" She asked acerbically.

"Hidin' away never does any good." He said stubbornly.

"Look in the mirror Mal." She said, her voice exasperated.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He practically yelled.

"What it means is that you're a pot calling the kettle black." She replied angrily.

"I don't hide from anything!" He nearly shouted in her face.

"Really? What about Shadow? What about Serenity Valley?" She challenged him, and for a moment he wanted nothing more than to reach out and smack her again, which frightened him. He'd never hit a woman in a rage before. It was time to leave. He'd already said to much, if he stayed...He shuddered, remembering a time about five years ago when he'd awoken to find himself choking Sally.

He hadn't thought about her in years. They'd taken up while he was working for the Strahl's, trying to save up money for his own ship. She'd been a tough bird, she thought she could handle him, and he'd nearly killed her. They had broken up soon after, and that had been the last woman, until the one standing in front of him, that he'd ever entertained ideas of a future together with.

"Mal!" Inara yelled as he walked out of the passenger dorm, running headlong into River. She looked at him and Inara, her eyes narrowed and spoke very carefully, looking them each in the eye in turn.

"They all dead lie. They all did lie." The phrase hung in the air between the three of them for a moment, then Inara slid her door closed with deadly finality, and Mal marched away leaving a trembling River alone in the hallway.

* * *

Chinese Translations

_xi nui sha guas_ : cow sucking fools

_hun dan_ : bastard

_feng le _: crazy

_Qing jin_ : come in


End file.
